As I am in the early stages of understanding myself now I have the knowledge of being on the autism scale I still have very little sense of my own identity. I’m trying to figure out which parts of me are because autism makes me this way and which parts are simply my personality.
There are some instances were I am fully aware that it is autism. For example, a couple of years ago it was a perfectly normal day and I was looking forward to a relaxing soak in a hot bath. My mind was so focused on there being nothing better than this one activity right at that moment so I filled the bath tub up to how full I like it and dipped my hand in to check it wasn’t too hot. It was cold. During the water running the boiler had gone a little haywire and so I emotionally plummeted. I pulled the plug and burst into uncontrollable tears on the bathroom floor.
I’m not an overly emotional person, in fact people have described me as being cold hearted, so I know that it’s not part of my personality to burst into tears over something as small as the bath water being cold. I know that having a good day can sometimes be a ticking time bomb because something then going wrong makes me crash into a feeling of despair.
But what about the other aspects of what makes me? Do I like to spend time alone because autism means being around people drains me or is it because I prefer activities, such as reading or writing, that tend to be solo activities because that’s just a natural part of my personality that I would have if I wasn’t on the scale? Do I not like most comedy films because it’s not my preference or is it because I don’t quite ‘get’ the jokes because of the way my brain is wired?
All of this, for me, gives me a lack of knowing who I am and it makes me feel like I am simply plodding along each day, just getting by until I finally get my appointment through to see a specialist and get access to help and support.