It has been some time since I wrote but I’ve had a lot going on and some pretty long lengths of nothing happening at all (which needed to happen!).
Its currently about 2:15am so I’m writing this through tired eyes but with a wired brain, another autism thing so thanks for that brain. The main reason for not writing in a while is illness in various forms. Autism illness and non-autism illness have both hit me hard and my energy has been spent just getting through the day recently.
First bout of illness was autism related. I was being pushed way too hard at work and it caused me to meltdown worse than I ever have before. The manager is fully aware that I have sensory issues and all about my situation and I wasn’t supposed to be working more than 30 hours a week regularly but I ended up doing 40+ hours a week. On top of that I was yelled at for making mistakes that were due to being overworked, I was being spied on by members of staff (not paranoia, I was called by the manager while I was on shift because a staff member had text her to get me in trouble so I know it was happening), was told to do tasks which I didn’t know how to do and had never been shown to do, berated for not volunteering to even more extra time on my days off, was told I was rude and insensitive and told by the manager that I irritated her. It broke me in the end. I had a booked week off so I spent a couple of days working things out and then went to see the dr, given tablets and a two week sick note.
That was about six weeks ago and I haven’t been back to work since. Last week I handed my notice in and quit the job as there’s no way I am ever going to be treated equal there or given any respect from most of the team (one member of staff actually told me they hated me more than I could ever imagine).
I could say it’s been a rough few weeks but it hasn’t. The weeks preceding all this was the rough few weeks. Those weeks I was constantly breaking down, couldn’t do anything once I left work due to lack of energy and my whole life was being affected negatively. Since I went on sick and handed my notice in have been the easier weeks because I’ve not had the biggest cause of my problems in my life anymore, I’ve been able to start working through it.
The tablets I was given didn’t help me though and that’s a big reason why I haven’t written anything. I was given anti depressants to help with my anxiety and panic attacks, which they didn’t really help with, but they made me extremely lethargic so I didn’t have the energy to do much and was constantly fighting to stay awake.
Just as I came off the tablets and was about to start a different type I was hit with physical illness. I got myself a lovely viral throat infection, yey. I went to the drs a week ago after being in agony for two days, couldn’t move my jaw, fever etc but couldn’t have antibiotics so I was using ear drops, antibiotic throat lozenges, decongestant nose spray, ibruprofen and cocodomal for three days to try and kill it off. Good news was the throat infection eased off but the bad news was that it gave way to a mild bit of flu that I still seem to be suffering with.
And this brings me to why I’m sitting here after 2am writing. Whenever I am physically ill I find it hard to sleep as my body doesn’t seem to want it or need it, it just wants constant rest instead. I’ve still managed to do a couple of things, like forcing myself to get dressed and have a wander out for food shopping, which have helped in the long run.
All in all I’m currently still achey, bit sneezy and lethargic but I’ll take that over the state I was in two months ago.
Also, during this time, I finally received the letter to say I was near the top of the list for my autism assessment so I have contacted them to sort out an appointment and am waiting to hear back. I’ve decided to wait until after my assessment to look for another job as it’ll give me more insight into my limits and what I will be able to cope with and spend some time focusing on making sure my mental health is in the right place.
Hopefully I’ll get an appointment soon and this ball can start rolling again. I’ll also try not to leave it so long to write again.